un-planning

“Oh my God I can’t believe it’s December already, where did the year go?!”.

Around this time of year, like a broken record we all find ourselves saying this to one another and to ourselves. But for real though, I super especially feel that this year. The last 12 months have been a blur and yet they have been some of the longest days I have ever had. I had days I thought would never end and I had moments that I wanted to remain in forever. I had moments of bliss where I felt like I was outside my body and times where I needed Micah to hide my car keys because I thought for sure I would drive my car into a tree. Nothing could prepare me for the year that was 2022. But this isn’t just my story, a lot of my friends and family have opened up to me about how hard their year has been. I have really appreciated those of you that have reached out and been honest about things you’re struggling through or major health issues that you’re being silent about. It has made me understand that life can be really harsh and everyone needs a little extra gentleness with themselves and each other. These stories have made me realize that I’m not alone in my feelings. It seems like everyone has gone through something incredibly hard or experienced great loss this year.

At the end of the year we mentally fabricate how our next year is going to play out, we carefully think about what we’re going to accomplish and complete, but at some point during the year something gets fucked up. One of two things usually happen, either we just voluntarily give up on our plans and goals that we have (we get bored or we just sabotage it), or life hands us a completely different scenario that we didn’t see coming but now we have to find a way to deal with it. As a result we have to make quick adjustments to survive. We have to pivot and figure out how to juggle and how to change. Then if we have time or energy leftover we have to figure out what to do with our broken plans and expectations. We find ourselves at a crossroads of disappointment and it’s not an easy situation. However, what we do next and how we respond to these set-backs are really extremely important. How we perceive this particular situation, is a separating factor that will either allow us to be more resilient and keep the train moving or stop us dead in our tracks. It has the possibly to steal everything, or allow us to keep going. We have a choice to make, we can adjust and work within our new scenario, even though it’s far from what we wanted or planned. Or we can flush everything down the toilet and say we’ll try again at another time when it’s easier or when life doesn’t throw us so many curveballs.

But the truth is there is always going to be something that is going to get in the way of what we are planning for ourselves and our reality. The only guarantee is that you’re guaranteed to not know how anything is really going to go. That doesn’t mean you won’t accomplish everything that you’re meant to, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be attached to your dreams and fight like hell for them. It is just the opposite. It just means that they may not happen in the exact way you envisioned them or wanted then to go. If you hold too tightly to the perfect plan or try to follow your exact route on the map, you might not ever be able to finish what you’re supposed to do because…. life doesn’t happen perfectly.

Having a healthy understanding of what I can control and what I can’t, has been essential in allowing me to feel like I am doing more than just “surviving” this year. So many of my plans were thwarted because of factors beyond my control. And some days it has really taken a toll on my mental health. If feels completely pointless to have dreams and make preparations just to watch them crumble before your eyes, almost like building a sandcastle while the tide rolls in. But I have learned that there is no perfect scenario and I don’t have to be on a certain time line, I just have to keep going an be faithful what is on my heart and honor my purpose. As long as I am being consistent, that is still me showing up and fighting for what’s important even though I am not thrilled about how it’s transpiring. That mentality is what keeps the momentum up and the fire burning. Everyday day is a new day with a new direction and new possibilities, the only thing that prevents me from seeing that is me. As I look forward and try to envision what I want out of this next year, I am trying to make sure I don’t limit my dreams because I am scared that I am going to encounter resistance. Instead I am coming up with the “un-planning” for 2023. It’s a framework instead of a  “plan” where I set goals and expectations as I continue to dream and know I can still be a part of amazing things, but the way in which that will play out might look a little different than I expect. I’m not being negative I am being realistic and going to give myself tools to be able to handle the changes that are well… inevitable. This is where I don’t hold back, I fully realize what I want but I also have to come to terms with the fact that there might be things that detour or delay me. But, that cannot break my spirit. I haven’t stopped embracing plans and setting goals (because that would be giving up!) but I have stopped being so extreme with following “plan” because there have been a lot of things outside of my control that have taken away my physical health, my career, critical elements of my marriage, and so many other things that I have big dreams for in terms of repairing post cancer. I still feel like I haven’t gotten an opportunity to do that, so looking at the new year ahead of me and thinking about what I want has made me gun shy, it’s made me want to be become bitter and not even try because something is going to come and knock it all down anyway. But what if it does? What if my house of cards being knocked down over and over again is what I need? Does it matter if I need it? Do any of us need more failures? No, but we’re going to continue to have to face mores setbacks, more trauma and more hardships. I am not even advocating that we find the lesson in them, I am just trying to convince myself that letting these set-backs steal my dreams and ability to show-up for myself would be the real crime. We can always come up with a plan B, there are many ways to arrive at the same destination. I am trying to be open to what those ways are by opening myself up to the infinite amount of possibilities that life presents, even if I don’t really like them at the time. One example this year was my physical health, I thought I would be crushing lifts and running a million miles, well I barely got past two miles this year, but I took the goal of “improving my physical and mental health” and had to realize that it wasn’t going to happen by means of long distance running and crushing weights. Instead I had to look for other ways, I have found ways to connect with my mind and body through meditation, yoga and ice baths instead. I had to find a new way to accomplish the overall goal, am I going to give up on running and weightlifting? No, it just means that it will probably come a little later in the year. And I have to be ok with that, on the bright side I found a new practice that I would not have otherwise participated in if the others were not taken away from me. Can we ask ourselves when something fails if there is another way through it? Can we be brave enough and flexible enough to find it and then….accept it? Can we encourage those around us to keep going and do the same when something falls apart?