uncertainty as a friend
If someone had asked me at the beginning of last year if I would like to know what I would have to face in 2022 in order to mentally prepare, I definitely would have said “Absolutely! Spare me no details so that I can start preparing myself.” In fact I think most of would chose a little sneak peak, we just can’t help ourselves. And I’m not really some “super planner” by nature, but if I knew that I was going to have to face the hardest year of my life, I feel like I would want to know what I was going to be up against.
Or would I? I have thought a lot about this question…
The truth is when I look back on last year, nothing could have prepared me for what I was going to have to go through. In fact when I started recounting everything that I went through I had to stop. I couldn’t believe the amount of appointments I had, the number of surgeries, days I spent in the hospital, how many times I would shit myself, or the number of days I would spend on the couch or in bed in pain. I couldn’t predict that my seemingly perfect marriage would just explode in my face during the hardest months of my life. In retrospect I am almost certain that if I would have known what I had to face at the beginning of last year I would have just asked to quit.
Honest to God I think I would have given up. I wouldn’t have been able to face the reality of what was ahead of me. I am beginning to think that is was a mercy not knowing. I would have started worrying about how I was going to get through each appointment and surgery, I would have filled myself with self-doubt and negative talk before I even had a fighting chance. I had 6 surgeries and over 80 doctors appointments last year, so you know I had more than a few setbacks, just knowing that would have set me into a tailspin. Then if I was told I would have to start wearing diapers again, well stick a fork in me, I’m done.
Maybe it’s best I didn’t really know about what I would have to endure because somehow I did make it through. Somehow I got through all the obstacles I had to face and still found a way to sneak in trips all over the world, yolo a little bit, create amazing memories with friends and family on the good days….and even on some of the bad days. And I didn’t drop out of school. For those of you who didn’t know I applied to get my Masters last year with Purdue in Healthcare Administration. I thought maybe I could make a difference in the lives of patients and healthcare workers, bringing meaning to my experience, making my suffering serve a purpose. But boy was that shitty timing. But somehow I stayed enrolled and didn’t drop out. In fact, I can finally laugh at some of the bad days now, and I never thought I would be able to. Some things are too traumatic to revisit yet, but eventually I hope I can go back and sort through them and share. But in all honesty my world, my marriage, and my body took a beating last year. But it’s over………..kind of.
Looking back on last year, I can now see how resilient and strong I had to become with each day I had to conquer. But I didn’t have a choice, every day was a new day I had to face, regardless of wanting to participate in it or not. I couldn’t avoid engaging the day. I didn’t get to choose IF I was going to show up, but I did have to chose HOW I was going to show up. It wasn’t always a pretty decision.. Somedays I lied to myself, I faked it for others, sometimes I was angry and depressed, but then there were days that were the happiest of my life. I am so glad I could be present for some of those, because those days helped me coast.
As the old cliché goes, one day at a time. Maybe there really is something that is truly powerful in that old tossed around saying. It has so much more weight to me than it ever has before. I didn’t become a stronger person overnight, I didn’t decide that I would just face these obstacles. I didn’t have any other choice except to try and move a forward a little bit more each day. I wasn’t supposed to get through everything all at once, in fact forget the one day at a time thing. Sometimes I had to try 5 minutes at a time, and when that was too hard, it was literally one breath at time.
This helped shape me into the person that could face another day. If I would have known what was truly ahead of me I would have been so overwhelmed, I would have sabotaged myself. I would have destroyed any chance of getting through the year. Looking back I am so glad that I didn’t know what I was going to have to face. Instead I had to take each day as it came and hope that when I woke up in the morning, I would be a stronger person than I was the day before and each day I was. Uncertainty was my friend, it was my strength and it kept me from getting too far ahead of myself. Uncertainty kept me grounded, what a weird concept.
I think it’s a mercy that we don’t know what kind of hardships we have ahead of us, that sometimes we don’t know what we have to face in terms of pain and suffering. We worry too much about the details and that can cause us to lose faith very quickly. When we lose faith we risk giving up and losing hope. And wether or not hope actually changes our circumstances or affects real change is up to you to decide, but you can’t deny that it gives you something to hold onto especially when you think that you may have reached the end of your rope. It’s ok to use hope as something that just carries us to the next day.
This year has already started out as a total shit show (pun intended) with my first few appointments, but I shouldn’t even be here, my statistics had me running on borrowed time months ago. Yet I have amazing news with my latest biopsy results this week: They still don’t detect any cancer! With the most modern technology they have available they can’t see any trace if it!
My cancer isn’t detected. It’s literally a miracle.
But, the medications, and the side effects of the cure, have prevented me from living a pain free, normal functioning life. My husband taking on the role of a caretaker has altered my marriage forever and we are trying to find a way to figure out who we are now? Can things be better? Are they lost forever? These are part of the “side effects” your doctor can’t warn you about. Post-cancer we are trying to create a new relationship, but it’s so hard because we are still going though trauma. We don’t know when it will be safe to start trying to rebuild again. As soon as we make progress it seems we take another step back. But looking back on last year, everything that we were able to get through…by crawling, flighting, kicking and screaming brought us to where we are now. It’s not perfect, but we are still standing and we are not destroyed.
If you’re facing something that seems impossible, don’t give up. You might not feel like you are equipped in the moment, and you might not be, right now at least. But if you hang in there and remember what you have conquered and faced during the times of uncertainty I am sure that will kill all the doubt you have about what lies ahead. Maybe we’re not supposed to know because we show up for ourselves better when our challenges are broken up into segments that we can take one step at time. Maybe we’re not always supposed to see the bigger picture. I have no idea what lies ahead for 2023, I don’t know if it’s going to be harder or easier but then again I don’t want to know. Not knowing has forced me to only deal with what is directly in front of me, trusting that it will sharpen me into the person I need to be for tomorrow, equipping me to face what I need to face when the time comes.
