Still Here?

Three years ago today, my entire life changed. I became a bone marrow transplant recipient. No story would be complete without some agonizing plot twist, I have always abhorred happy endings. Maybe thats why mine has been so tumultuous. My transplant failed a few months after it was considered “successful”. I survived the third cancer diagnosis, despite what experts said. I shouldn’t even be here, I was given six months to live and under an eight percent chance to make it past five years. But, it cost my body a lot of collateral, that it didn’t have. Most days I still feel like I’m trying to pay that back. Things have been difficult, especially the last few years. I stopped writing, because I felt all I had to write about were sad stories, about my body, the hospital, the never ending surgeries, diseases and the toll it took on my marriage. I was losing myself in this identity of a patient and yet I couldn’t escape no matter how much I tried to convince myself it was all in my head. I hated being the “sick” friend that would have to wait and see how she felt before committing. I needed time to feel those things, without anyone watching. I needed time to the resist the urge to make everything look like it had a happy ending.

I’ve done a lot of sitting, emptying my mind of the stories I have told myself to keep me alive during this time. During one day in a meditation, my understanding of my diagnosis, for better or worse became crystal clear to me and I was able to surrender a lot of expectations that I was still holding over myself. I have shared it with you at the bottom, I hope you will read it.

I can say honestly, I am so grateful to be here in any capacity. In pain and pleasure, and sickness and in health, I have learned to embrace these things because they are a part of me.

Did I ask?

I didn’t choose cancer

But I did ask for it

I asked for humility    

And cancer took my career

I became a beginner 

I asked for freedom 

And cancer gave me space 

I became unattached 

I asked for intimacy 

And cancer took my marriage

I became my friend

I asked for abundance 

And cancer gave me grief

I became grateful

I asked for healing

And cancer gave me sickness

I became whole

I asked for transparency 

And cancer took my ability to cope

I became vulnerable

I asked for kindness

And cancer gave me tragedy 

I became compassionate

I asked for a family

And cancer took my womb

I became community

I asked for enlightenment 

And cancer gave me suffering 

I became grace

I asked for experiences

And cancer took my time

I became present

I asked for strength 

And cancer gave me struggle

I became persistent 

I asked for intensity

And cancer took my vigor

I became gentle

I asked for wisdom 

And cancer took my reasoning

I became a student

I asked for growth 

And cancer gave me pain

I became patient

I asked for energy

And cancer gave me stillness

I became slow

I asked for influence 

And cancer took my identity 

I became understanding

I asked to be helpful 

And cancer gave me dependence 

I became intentional

I asked for confidence 

And cancer took my stability 

I became courageous 

I asked for serenity

And cancer gave me clarity

I became peace

I asked for truth

Cancer took my answers

I became honest 

I asked for direction

Cancer took my map

I became aware

I asked for light

And cancer gave me darkness

I became love

I asked for a spiritual awakening

Cancer gave me despair 

I became an alchemist 

Be careful what you ask for

Because it will come

Just not like you expect

For everything that cancer gave and took

It left me with a seed

And I will tend to it till the end

These lessons have become

My gold and gems