Self Love

It’s ironic to admit that something like cancer, that has almost killed me three times, has taught me how to begin the journey of truly loving myself.

But I can’t deny that cancer has also brought about so much pain and fear not just to me, but to those that love me. It has consumed almost half of my marriage and torn apart many of my hopes and dreams. It has destroyed many of my lifelong goals. But the human soul is deep, and constantly evolving. I think it goes on forever. Everyone dies with mysteries within themselves and dreams yet to be discovered. Every time I think that I have arrived I find that there is more inward work to do and hard truths to confront within myself. Cancer has been the persistent catalyst that has forced me to keep digging deeper even when I don’t feel ready. But maybe I was ready and I just needed a push. Cancer has allowed me to subtract so many things that don’t serve me anyone. But before I learned how to do that, I had to learn how to take joy in my existence beyond my performance and love myself for just being here. I had to learn how to accept that for a while that my only focus is/was to survive. But if I was going to believe those things I had to really find love for myself. I felt a small voice inside of me telling me that this is what I needed to confront next. Loving myself was the key to fueling the consistency, the discipline, the hope, and the strength needed to take back what was going to taken from me in order to recover from a transplant. Someone who loves themselves doesn’t give up on themselves. I needed to make sure I wasn’t going to give up on myself no matter how bad things got. If I didn’t find myself deserving or worthy, how would my body believe I was and still push through? I had support from my friends and family but, there is a point where you have to pull it together for yourself and rally because no one can do that for you. Especially in the moments of darkness that seem impossible to overcome. I had to learn to protect my mind and if I didn’t love myself, critical thoughts would slowly destroy any hope, the most important line of defense.

Many of us can say that we would do anything for the ones we love, but would we do those things for ourselves? I realized that I could not go through a transplant and continue with the perspective of myself that I currently had. I viewed myself as a “doer”. I loved to perform for people. I loved to make people happy. I loved goals, I still do. But, I was always setting a new goal for myself, there was always a longer run to go on, another wine test to take, or another sales goal to smash. My life was hidden with little “challenges” so I could prove to myself that I was worthy. It was my way of earning my place in the world. It allowed me to wake up in the morning and feel good about myself. With a bone marrow transplant in the near future I knew this identity would be shattered for me. There would be no giving and no doing for anyone but me for 6-12 months. I didn’t know how or where I would derive my sense of value or my permission to exist by doing nothing but surviving. I was afraid that if I took time to stop and slow down I would lose my identity. I was cautious about loving myself because I thought I would become inwardly focused and that I would lose my ability to empathize. In the church we are so conditioned to love others that we forget about loving ourselves. Honestly loving myself was something that I didn’t even think I was allowed to do, which seems odd considering I was often told how much God loved me. Why didn’t I think I was allowed to have it for myself? 

Fast forward to being stuck in a hospital for a month, with virtually no room to move around last April. COVID policies only allowed for one visitor at a time and during my month spent in isolation Micah could only visit on the weekends. Being alone forced me to ask myself if i was willing to show up for me with nobody else around. I had to give myself permission to be weak, to admit that things were hard, and decide that I still had value anyway. There were multiple weeks in a row where I had to witness myself not make improvements. That was the hardest part, to watch my body get weaker, to need the morphine drip and the pain pills. To cry, to not cheer anyone up when things were shitty. To not pretend. I had to decide to be proud of myself just for waking up, I had to change my standards. A good day was a day that I got out of bed and didn’t beat myself up for not trying to do more. I had to tell myself that I was proud of me. What a switch from being someone who only pursued improvement. To be soft with oneself and listen to what you truly need in the moment was the beginning of understanding what loving myself meant. I had to give myself permission to be where I was at, not where I wanted to be. 

Once I learned that slowness was my friend and improvement didn’t have to be everyday I became more comfortable with just existing. I stopped judging myself and started allowing grace. I become more satisfied with the little wins instead of feeling that I could do more. The more love and acceptance I had for myself, the less critical I was of others. I had more of an ability to see other peoples pain and not judge them so closely and my heart actually grew it’s capacity for empathy. It was the last thing I expected. Which begs the question, was I judging others so closely because I was unhappy with myself? Although I love creating lists and setting goals, there is more to life than what you accomplish or where you can travel to. Cancer opened up the ability to appreciate the sheer existence of things in front of me. Instead of FOMO (fear of missing out) I can feel settled experiencing one thing at a time. I can now sit just sharing space and enjoying the time that passes with whomever I am with. There doesn’t have to be some grand agenda, there is value in every moment. Now don’t get me wrong, this loving yourself rant is not about throwing your goals away or an excuse to stop challenging oneself. In fact, if you truly love yourself I believe that you will respect yourself too. And that means at the appropriate time challenging yourself to be the best version of you and not puss-out! Now that will involve hard things, uncomfortable things that you don’t want to do. Like getting more sleep, still working out when you don’t feel like it, and taking steps towards accomplishing your dreams. It just allows you to pursue these things because you know you have value, not because you don’t. These actions are driven by love for oneself, not by guilt. 

I used to belittle each thing I accomplished, I would set a new goal almost immediately before I accomplished the last one. I never allowed myself the time to sit for a minute and reflect on how far I had come because I was always telling myself I could exhale after the next goal, which turned into the next goal. But I have realized it will never be enough, so now I take a minute, for every little victory because I need all the hype I can get. The truth is, I have been really struggling with the medications and immunotherapy. The side effects are very difficult to manage and mobility gets harder every day. It feels like my body is just going backwards. But I have chosen to adjust my expectations and be proud of myself because despite it all I am still FUCKING HERE. My attempts are feeble, I move slower, I can’t keep up with everything like I used to and feel like a senior citizen most days, which is fine, if you are actually a senior citizen! But I am not even half that age. I have drastically adjusted my expectations for myself but it is not without challenge. I will always call myself to a higher standard because I believe in myself, I love myself. I am just more loving and gracious to that person that is inside of me. There is no time for humble bragging here, this is the work, the hard fucking work.

Cancer has caused me a lot of grief, but I feel like I’m winning now with how I’ve learned to love myself and others.