yolo

All my life I was told that getting married was the most important decision that I would ever make. Naturally when I finally came face-to-face with that decision I was hesitant. In fact when Micah asked me to marry him I didn’t exactly say yes. There were so many unknowns that were swirling around in my head and I froze. I couldn’t bring myself to say yes when he got down on his knee to ask me. So he had to pivot, and try something else, instead he asked me another question.

“Do you want to spend your life with me? it won’t be easy but it will be an adventure”.

I finally managed to say YES. That I could do. Deep down I knew that Micah was meant to be my person. Through our engagement there was anxiety and doubt, but when I walked down the aisle every insecurity melted away and I had complete peace. As soon as I took my first step I knew this was right. I mean, I practically galloped down the aisle, I remember thinking “I should be nervous, why am I not nervous?”. The peace about my decision just came later then expected, and I just let myself soak it in.

Being an adult is all about being faced with difficult decisions I don’t have the answers to. My marriage wasn’t the most important decision I would ever make, it was just the start of many. These decisions I have made have started the same way, no guarantees and lots of hesitation-especially the monumental ones. I can’t shrink away from making them, I can’t tap out. I just have to place my bet.

Many of you know that Micah and I have been waiting to make this decision of whether or not to move forward with a second transplant since my third relapse in October. What has been challenging about this decision is that it is an extremely high risk option with under a 10% success rate. The amount of risk you take on for a shot at a cure is astronomical. If your cancer doesn’t kill you, the transplant could. I would go through enough chemo and radiation to destroy my immune system again and try a bone marrow transplant, again, without even being fully recovered from the last one, which sounds like a total dumpster fire considering how everything in my physical body has gone downhill since my last relapse. This type of second transplant is much more complicated and would require us to move to Seattle for several months and have the transplant done at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance: one of the best transplant centers in the world.

We have wrestled with this decision so much, looked at statistics and case studies until our eyeballs wanted to fall out. We have combed through every tiny detail and sought after second, third, and fourth opinions from the best doctors in bone marrow transplant and ALL fields. And we still have been unable to land on a decision that has any guarantees. Last Friday (about a week ago) we got my first bone marrow biopsy results since I learned that I was in remission, and by all accounts, they can not physically see any cancer in my bone marrow.

Right now I am still in remission so, I am going to place my bet on LIVING for however long that is. I am not going to move forward with a second transplant, at least for right now.

I have been lucky/blessed/whatever you want to call it, to be one of the few people to achieve a third remission. While I am in remission for the next few months I am going to blow up my life a little bit! I am going to experience as much as I can without giving a second thought or worry to the future. I’m going to empty my 401K this week, and divide it between medical bills and a brand new bucket list. At times this feels both surreal, and freeing. Sometimes it feels scary, and other times it is sad. Some days I feel like grieving while other days part of me is excited about what’s ahead. In some ways I feel lucky to have this “golden ticket” to live without any judgement and throw away all my responsibilities for a little while. I’m not sure how long I should let this mentality ride, but for right now I’m gonna hit the gas and not look back. A whole lotta living can be done in a few months.

I don’t want to take the time I know I have right now and give it away for such a small chance of survival with a second transplant. It doesn’t feel right. I’m not even guaranteed tomorrow, in fact neither are YOU. Nobody is! All the things that we’re waiting to do may never come to fruition. I understand how serious my diagnosis is, but even if my body does not choose to heal itself and my cancer comes back in a few months I’m going to make damn sure I have some amazing memories and no regrets.

It sounds scary to just wait for my cancer to come back. But I finally have peace about this decision. That is what I have learned through this entire process, when there are no guarantees follow the peace, follow your intuition. No one knows you better than yourself.

I have spent most of the past year living in the in-between and as a result I have gotten more comfortable with uncertainty. In a weird way there is freedom in it, it has taught me live with limited expectations of my future and no attachments to the past.

PLUS, I have had so many people praying for me, rooting for me, sending their energies and good vibes, I would be a damn a fool to think that this hasn’t helped make me the “exception” that I am right now. I am still here somehow. And, I want to say, thank you to all of you showing up to for Micah and I, either in person or behind the scenes. I am truly grateful and inspired by how hopeful so many people are about my situation. On days when I can only think about statistics I have recalled many conversations with people who want to see what this looks like up close. Those conversations have been about grief but they have also been filled with hope, and at the times I desperately needed them. I am honored to have such an amazing community of people in my corner that encourage me to view myself NOT as just another statistic.

So thank you, to all of you who have put me in your corner, especially those of you who take that risk and don’t wait, you just throw yourself out there. You just do it because you know before I do that Micah and I need it, that is what community does. And as long as I am still being honest, this year I have realized how important that support is. Everything in 2022 has felt heavier, the side effects, the anger, the sadness the reality of the situation. The limitations, the statistics and watching cancer, GVHD, or the medications that I am on slowly steal what feels like everything from my body, to the point where I can’t even recognize myself some days. People have showed up at the right moment to give me something to hang onto and realize “It’s just not over yet.”. The last four years of my journey with cancer has allowed me to see and experience more community, love, and connection with others than I have in my entire life. I realized I can be extremely grateful for these experiences and at the same time be mad about what cancer has taken from me. I can hold both feelings and stop feeling so guilty about it.

So now, I have made my decision. Micah is now working from home so he can spend a maximum amount of time with me and my dogs. As well as keeping an eye on this cancer thing. I’ll have Bone Marrow Biopsies every 4-6 weeks to monitor my remission status (which is alot!) I started physical therapy to try and slow some of my side effects and get some mobility back. I’ll still be going down to INDY a couple times a week but, I am still retaining a quality of life that allows me to live for what is truly important to me. I’m hoping I’m the fucking exception and if I’m not, I hope I can give my doctors and nurses something to talk about for the rest of their careers.

“You don’t heal some things

you just start living in

spite of their presence

which is when they

heal themselves”

-Brianna Weist