“Guest Spot”-micah Teruya

THE CURRENT POLE SITUATION

Hello Everyone, my name is Micah, I am Karrah’s husband. Since Karrah has been extremely fatigued the past few days I decided to do a “guest spot” on her blog to give all of you an update on what is going on as well as some other thoughts and insights I have. But first off let’s do an update on Karrah’s situation.

SAT 4/17

Over the past week, Karrah’s blood counts have continually dropped, (H 0.2, W 9.1 P 16) hence her extreme fatigue. Karrah was taking one or two 15 minute walks around the unit per day and as of yesterday we only walked for about five minutes before Karrah had to come back and lie down. These blood counts will come back up but for now, they are continuing to bottom out. In addition to fatigue, Mucousitis is continuing its cruel assault on Karrah’s GI tract, specifically her throat. Her pain on a scale of 1-10 is a 6 and an 8 when swallowing. Back when Karrah was first treated for Leukemia she had a similar battle with Mucositis which landed her in the ICU on a hydromorphone drip that she could trigger with a button, but that did little to ease the pain. Karrah woke up and wanted some applesauce, I got her squeeze packs from the fridge and each swallow looks so painful it makes me cringe. She said she feels like there is a flap of loose skin in her throat. I am hoping that her pain does not increase because it already seems like torture. Even when she sleeps it looks like she is in pain, I am hoping this is not true but her face scrunches up each time she swallows.

Karrah has a fun comforter that has a pattern of peaches on it, which now has tiny brown specs of dried blood on it. Each time she blows her nose it’s a mix of blood and mucous, another effect of Mucositis breaking down the tissue in her nose. 

SUN 4/18

Yesterday and today have been rough on Karrah, She is still extremely fatigued and under the influence of a ton of pain medication. Her pain had increased to an 8 out of 10 so they now have her set up with hydromorphone on demand. Basically, she has a button she can push that will administer through her IV line. I said yesterday that the last time she had this, it did little to curb her pain, but she was also in a lot worse shape the last time. So far she is sleeping pretty soundly so I am guessing that it is somewhat helping.

Karrah’s hair has begun to finally fall out. She had some close friends, shave her head before she went in for treatment. However, the little short hair she had left is now falling out. Today we used wet towels to literally rub her hair off but there are still some patches left.

To top it all and make it worse, she also developed a yeast infection, likely from the antibiotics that are supposed to prevent infection. She has also been running a low-grade fever on and off all day. Despite all the pain and discomfort, Karrah still had the willpower to go on a walk and do some light yoga stretching. She was able to stretch her body out for a little while. Lying in bed all day causes more muscle atrophy than most of us to realize. 

Currently, as I write this Karrah is sleeping, I was planning on leaving to go back to work tomorrow, but have decided to stay down in Indy one more day to help support her during this hard time. Hopefully, she feels better tomorrow. 

Mon 4/19

Today the swelling from the yeast infection has gotten worse. We are waiting on an OBGYN to figure out how to treat it before it gets even worse. Things are already bad enough for her and this just adds insult to injury. It’s hard to watch someone go through so much pain, it’s also hard for me to have to leave her like this, but I have to go back to work. I have not taken FMLA yet, I’m saving that for when Karrah gets released. My good friend is helping cover for me at work but I have to get back on the job for now. The only good news is that Karrah's white counts are slowly coming back up. This will help fight off the infection and will help her start to feel a little better.

Now on a personal note, some of you may be wondering what it’s like to watch the person you love the most in the entire world get dragged through hell for the second time. I am going to give you some personal insight, if you are interested. I feel I can communicate more through verse rather than a standard narrative form so here we go.

To watch the one you love

Betrayed by her own body

Betrayed 

by her own blood

Suffering through cancer

Then suffering worse through chemo

Broken body

Broken spirits

Over and over again

To witness a crime against my wife

That would turn any husband into a killer

Except there is no guilty party 

To answer for these sins

Nowhere to channel violence

Nowhere

to

channel 

rage.

So all of this turns inwards

And eats away the parts

That I need most to be a husband

Cancer bound the wrists and ankles 

Of my beautiful wife

And beat her senseless

Relentless beating

Followed by relentless beating

Followed by relentless beating

I wept,

 watching helplessly

Then along came the cure,

Wait……. 

FUCK your optimism 

there is no cure, 

just treatment. 

and a chance you’ll maybe somehow get lucky enough to make it

So treatment picked her up,

tied her behind a truck and dragged her miles through the gravel roads

The treatment was more abusive than the cancer.

This is the best we can offer,

Barbaric as it sounds, 

Every cell is a casualty of war.

Every cell is a casualty of war.

And war is all we know.

Somehow she survived it

Despite the abuse, she BLOOMED

The rarest type of beauty

The scarcest of all gems

My wife in all her beauty went charging straight ahead

Crushed every obstacle in her way

Blew all our minds and embarrassed us

With all that she achieved

While she did this I slipped away

Into a sea of gin and whiskey

Not only was I

s

i

n

k

I

n

g

But bringing the whole ship down with me

Five o’clock was for pussies

Sometimes I’d start before work (4AM)

But why stop there?<——— 

My livers open like a 24/hour diner

Until sadly…

I realized I was ruining what I loved

That I was trying to douse the raging fire inside

With flammable liquids

I had a 100 proof spirit living in my blood

Long story short

that all changed (therapy)

I got my shit together

And things we're getting so much better

Karrah was still cancer-free 

And I had exorcised my demons

But of course, that’s when life loves to come

The cruel bitch she is

And fuck you worse than ever before

Bring you to your knees again

“you thought the game was over, ha! It’s only just begun

Let's raise the stakes even higher!

And reduce your odds! 

But the best part is you have to play,

You have no fucking choice!”

Now

we’re

back

to

where

we

started

Trapped in a game of cruel luck

I have to watch her suffer again

And

Pray and HOPE

That this will work.

The first trip through hell is unbearable,

The second time is worse

The first trip through hell is unbearable,

The second time is worse