icebergs and hurricanes

I learned this week that I am in a full blown REMISSION. 

There is no cancer in my bone marrow, there is no cancer in my blood.

I am cancer free, in this moment. 

I am a 3x ALL cancer survivor.

Each time I have beat cancer I have met a different person that I did not know existed inside myself.

That is what happens when we are pushed beyond what we think we can handle. We either dig deep and allow ourselves to be transformed, or we shrink and yield, letting sheer chaos guide and push us through a hurricane and then spit us out when it’s over. We are only left with pieces of who we were. 

I have thought about choosing the latter many times because it’s easier, but every time at the last moment I have chosen to face my fears and dig deep, in that I have found strength and courage that I didn’t know I held inside myself. It scares me to think of what I would have lost had I yielded to the hurricane.

The person in me that has decided to face hard facts, and knowing that moments I experience might not get a chance to repeat themselves next year, will continue to exist outside of this trauma. I get to exist with this strong person that showed up and was transformed, once the storm is over. If you are on the cusp of the hurricane, right now, please choose to dig deep, hold your ground. Nothing lasts forever.

But that is only the tip of the iceberg. I am aware that I am the only one who can control the way I respond to the reality of death and cancer, that is something I do alone. But, there are so many people under my iceberg that have showed up in the moments that is was too much. In the moments that I didn’t think I had any ammo left to use I would reach into the tank, and it looked empty. And honestly, on those days, rolling over and giving up just felt like sweet relief. But I didn’t, because those that knew me, told me that I had more left to give. 

It truly takes a community of people willing to sit with you in the hard moments in order for you to be able to access the strength within yourself, to avoid being tossed up in the hurricane.

Those people are at the bottom of your iceberg. They have been monumental to me, and without them, it would be so hard to stand tall and float. Some days, they were literally the only reason I stood tall and did not yield to the doubts, to the fear. They reflected back to me, my strength like a mirror showing me it was still present within me. Especially on the days I couldn’t see it for myself. 

I am humbled to be able to have people who know me, who believe that my soul is strong, who see my strength and the ability to endure pain without it destroying me. Even on the days I thought it already did. But, in order to have this kind of support you have to put yourself in a position of vulnerability to have transparent relationships with people, you have to let them into the doubt, into the ugly, into the fear and trauma, so that they can speak life, and encourage you to access the strength that you might not know is there. Yes I beat cancer a third time, but the ability to come out a stronger better version of myself happened because I had courageous family and friends who embraced the hurricane with me and didn’t shrink away when they didn’t know what to say, or the crushing reality of death was hard to understand, or it was just uncomfortable. They held their ground too, they had fear they had to face alongside me.

I am so grateful to be in remission, to be cancer free, but here are the facts, after the glittering announcement of remission in that same conversation with my doctor, I was told most people in a third remission, in my position only have 6 months to live. It’s really hard to eliminate this cancer, and when it comes back, it comes back faster each time. Micah and I have some big decisions to make, right now I am on an immunotherapy in a fanny pack and massive amounts of medications and steroids that will continue to treat me for a few months. Then we have to decide if we will attempt another transplant that has only a 5-15% survival rate or wait for the hurricane show to happen again and try for an almost impossible 4th remission. These are hard facts, but it is easier to face because I know I have brave people in my life who are willing to be here for the tears, the conversations and the hard decisions. And on the days Micah and I want to quit, tell us to pull our shit together. We are forever grateful for all of you.

The 2021 holidays has been the biggest shit show I have ever seen, not just in my situation, but so many of my friends and family have lost loved ones or are sitting with them, trying to provide comfort or peace for their terminal illnesses. I have never seen loss like I have this year, so, if you are in a situation where you are watching someone navigate a hurricane and you care, but you’re scared. 

Show up for them, be their iceberg. No one knows how to navigate death and dying but we weren’t meant to face the hard parts alone. We can’t let being scared or not knowing what to say keep us away from the hard parts of life. I am so lucky to have people in my life who had the courage to stick it out even when they didn’t know what to do. I hope you find the courage show up for those you love even when you don’t know how to handle the situation. Sometimes that is the best way to show up because you can be truly present to and aware to the needs of the heart that require you to tread softly.