elephants and playing cards

November 8th will officially be 1 year that I have been “cancer free”. It definitely hasn’t cakewalk, I have learned a lot about the goals I set for myself and the expectations that I should keep in check. If I can stay in remission for 5 years I have a chance at being cured. The doctors didn’t think I would make it six months, but here I am, almost a year later and I’m beating the statistics everyday. Remission this time around is bittersweet, normally it’s a celebration-it’s a symbol of getting my life back, but many of you know that this year has certainly been the most challenging year of my life. That’s when I was diagnosed with graft verses host disease, I was in the hospital for sepsis twice, I had numerous ER visits and several surgeries. Not to mention the insane amounts of steroids I was on, oh and then I went through menopause!?… and many other issues I could write a whole blog on what I’m being treated for. Many of these still aren’t resolved yet.  

This year I felt like I was barely existing. I was alive, but for what? To constantly struggle and be in pain? To see specialist after specialist and to keep trading one health problem for another? 

I just kept running into obstacles and more resistance. I was supposed to be getting better but it seemed like better days just weren’t ahead, there was a lot of downhill. Honestly, I felt ashamed to have come so far and lost so much, even if it was all out of my control. I wanted to feel grateful but all I felt was constant loss and depression. At the same time my marriage was taking a hit, things finally became too much for both of us. Micah and I finally hit rock bottom, we exhausted every tool and resource we had. We felt like we never took into account what this fight was personally and emotionally costing us. He had lost himself in the caretaker role and I needed space to learn who I was, again. We separated for a couple of months over the Summer to regroup. I had no idea how to accept this new normal and nothing could have prepared me for it. Cancer finally had outrun us, and it changed who we were. Letting our friends and family step in and carry us through that time was the best decision we could have made. It takes a lot of honestly and humility to let people in but it’s worth it. There were some moments I didn’t know what to do, I had to trust the people that loved me show me when I was blinded by my own disbelief and sadness.  

If I was ever going to move forward I had to stop looking back, it was only going to cause me more grief. I had to stop missing my “old self”. I had to recognize that I didn’t lose who I was, but instead I was evolving. I was never going back to my old self, she didn’t exist anymore. And depending on how I handled this situation ahead of me that could be a good thing or a bad thing. I was at a crossroads and had to decide who I was going to be. But I was just so tired of feeling like I was constantly starting over. I have had to go through this transformation three times in the past four years, and each time it has been harder than the time before. But with each transformation I am a stronger more capable person. At the end of the day I have the chance to decide if these events are for better or for worse. That is completely dependent on the way I handle these obstacles. 

There’s a time to take inventory and assess what has really happened and recognize the loss without belittling it. I used to only give myself permission to see the good in my circumstances no matter how bad it got. Some people call that denial or toxic positivity but it was just my way to cope with what was happening at the time, and it worked. As I have grown from these experiences I have found that I can give myself the time and space to allow those feelings to work themselves out instead of hiding them. Giving them space relieves them of their power and volatility, and those feelings never last forever. 

All of that to say, what I am trying to get at here? Shit, cancer has changed me, it’s changed everyone around me. I’ve got this “new normal” and I have to accept it order to move forward. 

This year was hard, but next year will be harder if I dwell on who I used to be instead if focusing on who I can become. What makes this “new normal” so hard for me to accept is that I feel so limited and behind. The things that I used to be able to do I can’t do right now, I haven’t even been cleared to go back to work yet.

 My goals have to look smaller and less intense. Right now any goal I have takes a lot longer for me to achieve. It’s hard not to be frustrated with myself. But if I don’t humbly accept that this is where I’m at I am never going to move forward. 

Basically, I’m just a winey little bitch who doesn’t like the cards she’s been dealt. But they’re my cards and if I want to stay in the game I have got to learn how to play them instead of complain about them.

In order to play my cards well here’s what I have learned these past several months.

Consistency is KING.  

I think we all know this, but do we practice it? We know that small sustainable changes add up to big ones over time. But, I know I get bored with consistency after the excitement of starting new something wears off. It’s not sexy anymore. Maybe what makes consistency unattractive is that when we don’t see progress right away so we stop believing in the process because we are so goal focused. Consistency is one of the most overlooked keys to success because it’s not glamorous. In fact, if you’re faced with being consistent with something new or difficult it might even be cringy because you aren’t going to be very good in the beginning. I have had to spend a lot of time sucking at things before I could consider myself even relatively average at something. 

Unless of course you’ve got a natural gift or talent you have to put in the time to show up and be bad at something for a while.  

Focus on the process, not the goal.

It feels defeating to see the chasm between what I am actually capable of right now and what my goals are, but I don’t want to give up on them because they feel impossible. That just doesn’t feel right either. There are lot of things that I have learned don’t have to wait, that I need to pull the trigger on. That I need to do and say without waiting for the “right time”. But I’m also realizing that some goals don’t need to be rushed, it’s not always about obtaining the goal as much as it is committing yourself to the process. I’ve experienced that if I commit myself to the process it will reveal things to me, lessons I didn’t expect and if I can hang in there through the boring and mundane moments the goal at the end is gifted to me as a result. 

For the first time in my life I have had to stop being obsessed with achieving goals and be process focused. I have not been able to accomplish the goals that I wanted to. Because of all the things that have been outside of my control. I have had to constantly pivot and adjust almost everything. I have not given up on my dreams, but instead I had to break them off into smaller, more bite size pieces. 
Can I ask you a question? How do you eat an elephant? I’ll tell you….

One bite at a time. This is something I tell myself on the daily. You could say it’s my mantra. 

Running is something that I have had to grieve it was something that I literally couldn’t do, for almost a year. I just started running a few weeks ago. For 90 seconds at a time. I couldn’t even get to a quarter of a mile. If I keep looking at my 100 mile goal I am going to get discouraged. So instead I just think about working my way up in 30 second increments.This might take a lot longer than I want but eventually my pathetic little increments will eventually add up to a mile. I am not focused on that 100 mile goal right now, even though that is the dream. I am just focused on showing up and being persistent.

I was really bitter about what I couldn’t do for several months, it held me back from starting because I didn’t like my starting point, I didn’t like my cards. But I finally realized that if I want to be in the game I had to learn to play what I got because these cards weren’t gonna change. I had to change. Focus on what you can do right now and build upon that even if it’s slow and small.

The limitations that I have been so bitter about, I am now starting to be thankful for because they allowed me to see the importance of the process, that is where the gold is. And as cheesy as it sounds the journey is just as important as the destination.

Sustainability is so important when setting goals. 

In the long run if you want something to last it’s important to set smaller goals that are more sustainable over time. 

I’m allowing myself to be proud of my consistent efforts instead of waiting to feel proud once I meet the goal. This is how I play my cards, by taking my time and being persistent.

Don’t create unrealistic goals or expectations, you will risk burning out too early. Ask yourself what you can realistically commit to over time. There is no perfect time to start, but you can always start small and by doing so you’re guaranteed to move forward. I just finally got sick of looking at my dreams from the sidelines because I didn’t feel “capable” but I was, just in a different capacity than I wanted to be. If I want to achieve big things I have to think small instead of making excuses for myself. Consider this a little push to start now or watch your dreams slowly die.