you can’t outrun cancer

I’ve avoided a personal blog to document my journey with cancer for several reasons let me explain…

This was a club I never wanted to be a part of and I was going to do anything to avoid membership. I didn’t want the T-shirt, the sticker, or the ribbon... and I wasn’t going to become known as the girl who “beat cancer”. I was running away from that stereotype as fast as I could. But even during this time I was amazed at how many people that had known me stepped in with prayers, fundraising, cards, care packages, and so much love. People knew I needed support even if I wasn’t going to ask for it. I felt such a surreal amount of love from old and familiar friends that it truly made the struggle easier. At times I felt that I could almost shift the negative energy when it got so hard. People wanted to reach out and surround Micah in I in so much love and support. If you’re reading this you probably were one of those people, I want you to know I am forever grateful. The support and empathy made me want to do better. Because there were people rooting for me, I wanted to show them that everything was ok, and I was doing fine even when it was really hard.

Once I achieved remission I was given a choice: more chemotherapy or more chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. I chose more chemotherapy, that seemed like the quickest road back to “normal’. Although that decision wasn’t easy. It was the hardest of my life, there was so much crying and anxiety, I felt like I held the decision of my own life in my hands. What if I chose the wrong one? Micah (my husband) and I went to the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and MD Anderson for second opinions. At the end of the day we felt our gut telling us to just keep chugging with chemotherapy, so we did.

I thought if I kept as quiet as possible people might just forget about my cancer . I was going to accept this “inconvenience and get back to life” fast. So I learned how to integrate cancer and chemotherapy into my everyday life. I spent 9 months going through the hardest treatment I could imagine. I came out for the good weeks and hid during the bad ones. I was working in between blood transfusions and ER visits and I was on my way to kicking cancer's ass out of my life.

Fast forward.

As soon as I got off my IV chemotherapy treatments (9 months later) I was determined to build back my body and health that had atrophied. This treatment fucking destroys your body. This was hard, and oftentimes discouraging. But I had friends who encouraged me, instructors, and trainers. I found a new love for moving my body and connecting with it through biking, running, lifting, backpacking, barre, yoga… basically all the movement I could find. I began to trust myself in a completely new and meditative avenue of movement.

I ran 30 miles in November (it’s was 22 degrees out!) This was my greatest achievement! I learned to discipline my mind, love what my body could do and embrace the hard things. I even started therapy, I learned to trust myself and faced fears I avoided my entire life.

I ran away from cancer, right? I had distanced myself from the club and came back stronger than ever.

FALSE.

The second week of January I had to come to terms with the facts. I hadn’t run very far.

To say my world came crashing down was an understatement (more to come on this later). This is a very aggressive cancer and I am not guaranteed a cure even with a second remission and transplant.

After my diagnosis, I went to IU for two weeks to get be monitored during the first round of immunotherapy (shout out to Blinatumomab!) and was released on an IV Fanny pack to wear at home and continue treatment.

I learned that I achieved remission last week, which was HUGE. Because you can not get a transplant unless you are remission.

BREATH.

One step at a time. Next week I will be admitted for an Allogeneic bone marrow transplant. This is something that will change everything normal in my life. This treatment has no guarantees and there are so many unknowns and challenges about life after transplant. Oh, and now I’m a part of two clubs I didn’t want to be in-transplant and cancer.

The truth is I can’t run from my reality anymore, no amount of mental discipline or physical strength will allow me to distance myself from cancer.

Trying to survive this transplant for the first year will be the focus of my life and it’s something that “I can not manage on my own.”… those were my doctor's words, not mine. If you know me then you know that is a hard fucking pill for me to swallow, in fact, I’m still gagging on it.

Back to my original point, blogging and documenting...I’ve avoided details because I don’t want people to think about cancer when they think of me. I don’t want to give cancer more credit than it already gets! I don’t want to admit it’s a big deal. I guess I was maybe in denial…if I ignore it it will go away. Not quite.

I have realized that I have people in my life and in Micah’s who want to be there for us. But, I have got to be transparent for that to happen. I have to be honest.

How much do you tell people? Who do you update?.... I guess this is where I tell you guys those things too.

Our mind is smart. For some of us, it will block out our traumatic experiences (mine loves to do that) I blocked out all things that were terrifying the first time around..

Here’s the deal... I don’t want to be here but I am. There is no amount of hiding or denying that will make it easier this time. If I’m going to go through something terrifying and life-threatening I’m not going to let myself forget what I fought for.

I want to see it all. And to be honest, if I die, and cancer gets the best of me I don’t need someone telling my story wrong.